"Why Won't She Leave"... Why Did You Go back?"
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If you’ve ever left a toxic or abusive relationship only to find yourself going back, you know the usual questions: “Why did you return?” and “Why won’t you just walk away?”
These questions, often asked with frustration, confusion, or judgment, overlook the deeper complexity behind the decision. Perhaps you’ve found yourself pondering the same thing, grappling with your own choices.
For survivors of domestic violence—especially those who have endured prolonged abuse—leaving isn’t as straightforward as it might appear. Exiting an abusive relationship isn’t simply a matter of walking away; it often becomes a matter of survival!
Relationships—especially those marked by manipulation, trauma, or emotional dependence—can create powerful bonds that aren’t easy to break. If you’re someone who has struggled with this, know that you’re not alone. And if you’re someone asking this question about a loved one, I hope this helps you understand some of the complexities involved.
1. The Emotional Pull
Abusive relationships often start with intense love bombing—a phase where the victim feels profoundly valued, seen, and wanted. These early experiences create deep emotional bonds that simply don’t disappear when the abuse begins. The emotional connection can be overpowering, even when someone cognitively understands that what they are experiencing is abuse; the emotional pull can overpower the ‘traffic cop’ function of the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive functioning and decision-making.
The history, memories, and moments of kindness can make it hard to walk away for good. Survivors of domestic violence may still love their abuser - they just desperately want the abuse to stop.
That love is often connected to trauma bonding—a psychological attachment that develops when abuse is combined with instances of kindness and affection.
Some individuals regard the term “trauma bond” as victim-blaming, as it may be misconstrued to imply that the victim is accountable for remaining in the abusive relationship. The term “bond” could suggest a mutual attachment or even a choice, potentially giving rise to the misunderstanding that the victim is willingly tied to their abuser.
In reality, trauma bonding is a tactic of coercive control—not a reflection of the victim’s decisions but rather of the abuser’s capacity to manipulate, trap, and condition them through cycles of love, fear, and dependence.
Trauma bonding occurs because abusers strategically mix affection with abuse, keeping their victim emotionally entangled. The bond isn’t about love - it’s a survival response. Victims don’t stay because they want to but because their nervous system has adapted to unpredictable cycles of danger and relief, making it incredibly hard to leave.
It’s not love or weakness that keeps someone in an abusive relationship—it’s how the brain adjusts to persistent fear and sporadic kindness.
It’s why when people do leave, they can start to miss the very person who hurt them.
2. The Hope That Things Will Get Better
Hope is a powerful motivator. Many survivors return to their abusers because they genuinely believe that things will change. Promises of improvement and glimpses of the person they once loved can fuel this hope. Abusers often exploit these hopes and dreams, deepening the emotional pull.
This cycle is further complicated when substance dependency or childhood trauma is involved. For instance, if the abuser gets clean, the victim may believe that sobriety will finally bring lasting change. Sadly, this is rarely the case. Sobriety often reveals that the underlying attitudes of entitlement, ownership, and control remain intact.
Abusers often exploit their childhood trauma to elicit sympathy from their victims. For example, they might blame their parents for the abuse they suffered, saying things like, “I knew you would leave me; everyone leaves me. You're just like my ex"—again trying to manipulate the victim’s emotions.
Christian abusers often manipulate faith by threatening eternal damnation and accusing their spouse of violating the marriage covenant.
3. Fear - For Safety & Survival
Leaving an abusive relationship is not just emotionally taxing; it can also be life-threatening.
The risk of lethal violence increases significantly when a victim-survivor tries to leave an abusive relationship. While exact figures differ by country and study, research consistently shows that separation is the most dangerous time for victim-survivors of domestic violence. Many abusers escalate their violence when they sense they are losing control.
In Australia, the New South Wales Domestic Violence Death Review Team found that 65% of female victims killed by a former intimate partner between 2000 and 2014 had ended the relationship within three months of the homicide. A 2019 Australian study further revealed that separation was a factor in 77% of domestic homicides, indicating that the majority of intimate partner homicides occurred during or after separation. In the United States, research shows that women are up to 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks following separation.
Aside from physical danger, victim-survivors also contend with profound fears of losing their children, their home, or their financial security.
The alternatives—homelessness, custody disputes, or retaliatory actions—can appear even more terrifying.
The fear of being alone and the fear of the unknown can sometimes feel frightening. Abusers often employ gaslighting and manipulation to convince their victims that they’ll never find love again, making the familiar—even if painful—appear to be the better option. The victim-survivors’ sense of self and agency has been stripped away to the point that the only reflection they see when looking in a mirror is all the words the abuser has used to keep them under his control.
Illustrator: Unknown
This imposed identity creates a reflection that represents the perpetrator’s continual negative reinforcement on their self-worth and self-agency. He creates an environment where she lives in isolation. Therefore, she can not evaluate or test this reflection in any other mirror around her. Her dependence on the abuser is increased, endorsing traumatic bonding, leading to her acceptance of the abuser’s controlling and abusive behaviour. She has been stripped from personal control, she no longer see’s herself as separate to the abuser and starts to think she is unable to survive without him.
4. The Cycle of Abuse and Manipulation
In abusive relationships, there’s often a cycle that makes it incredibly hard to leave. Walker (1979) developed a cycle of violence to explain this, but each person’s experience is unique.
Original Image White Ribbon
Tension Building: Tension begins to escalate - The abuser becomes irritable, controlling, or withdrawn. The survivor senses the danger and treads carefully – often saying, ‘I need to walk on eggshells around him’. They might try to appease, reason with, or please their abuser. They may attempt to defuse the situation or agree in order to maintain the peace.
Explosion: The perpetrator releases their tension, and the abuse occurs—whether it’s physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, or financial. The victim shows acts of resistance that are often misinterpreted, and she is penalised as the primary aggressor! She may fight back, withdraw, and endure the abuse to protect the kids. "Warrior Women" is a great little clip to watch about this kind of resistance.
Remorse / Reconciliation: The perpetrator apologises, makes promises, and inundates the survivor with affection. They may cry, beg, or say, “I can’t live without you.” They might express feelings of shame about themselves. Often, they can withdraw and stonewall, hoping things will return to the honeymoon phase. Frequently, victim survivors at this stage feel sympathy for their abuser; the emotional urge to help and support them can take hold. She may feel confused yet also relieved that the abuse has stopped. However, she remains hyper-vigilant.
Honeymoon Phase: This is when things start to feel good again. The survivor believes things might have changed as he is ‘behaving’ and capable of controlling his abuse for a while. She feels hopeful that things will change; she experiences love once more as he returns to the person she initially met. She agrees to take him back. Then, the tension begins to build again.
This cycle leads to confusion. It causes survivors to question if it was genuinely “that bad.” And with each explosion, the hope that the abuser will change keeps them trapped.
In this cycle, survivors also don’t want others to know if things have escalated again - they feel ashamed that they will be blamed for trusting him and taking him back. It’s really important that they are met with compassionate curiosity - not judgment.
5. Outside Pressure to Stay
Besides the dynamics within the relationship itself, external pressures from family, friends, or cultural expectations can also compel survivors to stay. The fear of disappointing loved ones or facing societal judgment further complicates the decision to leave. This is particularly true in Christian marriages where women are taught to ‘pray’ for their husbands and submit to them. For ministers reading this Substack, please reflect on the messages you share from the pulpit regarding marriage restoration. It’s essential to balance your message by also reminding men that if they choose to abuse their wives, their wives have the right and ability to leave. I intend to explore this topic more deeply in a future post.
The pressures also exist for victim-survivors when they return to their abuser and the cycle of abuse begins anew; the fear of having to disclose that the abuse has restarted can leave victim-survivors feeling silenced. This is why the way someone responds is incredibly important.
It’s Not About Weakness—It’s About Survival
If you’ve ever judged yourself (or someone else) for staying or going back, it’s crucial to understand this - returning doesn’t indicate that someone is weak.
It means they are navigating a remarkably complex emotional, psychological, and sometimes even financial situation. Many people return because they are attempting to survive in the only way they know how at that point in time.
So, How Do You Break Free?
You can’t do this in isolation. Leaving for good requires more than willpower—it needs support, self-compassion, and professional help. Healing from an abusive relationship involves rebuilding self-worth, recognising unhealthy patterns, and surrounding yourself with people who remind you of your strength. It's about reclaiming your agency and your ability to make choices for yourself.
If you’ve left and returned, be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t a straight line. And if you’re supporting someone in this situation, keep in mind that judgment doesn’t aid, but curiosity and compassion certainly do.
The next time someone asks, “Why did you go back?”, remember this - these decisions aren’t based on logic—they’re a complex web of emotions, trauma, and deeply ingrained survival mechanisms.
However, just as someone can return to a toxic relationship, they can also find the strength to walk away. And when they do, they don’t need shame—they need support.
If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone and deserve love that doesn’t hurt.